Girls, girls, girls.

I am a girl. A female, chick, lady, woman, whatever. Sometimes I don't want to claim my species, though. We're hard to get along with, moody, conniving, panda jerks.

These thoughts have been coagulating in my mind in this manner:

1. My female counterparts known as my friends.
2. My friendship with my helpmate, Geoffrey.


So there are my friends who I love more than anything, and somehow manage to get along with all the time. I've had my small share of ex-BFFs, but we all know they were crazy-ass bitches. Anyways, why can't they get along? Why do they shut one person out, ignoring them, getting all butt-hurt about something stupid like a small difference of opinions? Am I only able to get along because I don't live in the same town as them? I don't think so... I never got into fights with anyone when I was living in the same house as them for two years. What's the effin' deal here? DRAMA.

Then there's my best male friend, Geoffrey (Jeffrey Wayne, if you will). We get in fights frequently. He's told me to go fuck myself more times than I can count, I've punched him in the kidneys so hard he's fallen to the ground, he's made me cry, I've called him at 4 a.m. when I thought I was going to die if I fell asleep... you get the idea. Anyways, I was thinking about our friendship and I wonder if that's how all guys are. Like they are total assholes to each other and then the next day it's all over with. I think if I talked to my girlfriends like I talk to him, they'd never speak to me again. With Jeff I can be like, "I hate those jeans. They look like they're from 1993. Why don't you just go ahead and tight roll them?" and instead of crying and being mad, he'd say something like, "As if you look any better. Did you even take a shower today? You stink like yesterday's trash. Let's go get me some new jeans."

So why can't all girls be the same way? Quit focusing on the stupid, petty things and get over it. Stop holding a grudge just to prove whatever your stupid point is. Have you ever thought YOU'RE not that easy to get along with, either? Maybe to someone you are the center of the universe, and chances are you think you're the center of the universe. But when you get fifteen chicks together who are all thinking the same thing, shit's bound to hit the proverbial fan.

I know I can never have the kind of relationship with my girlfriends that I do with Geoffrey. They don't want me telling them their jeans look stupid, and I don't want to hear that from them, either (I don't think). But I guess that's ok. Sometimes I like everything to be sugar-coated. BTW, those jeans at left are my favorite jeans. You really can't make fun of them because they're so f*cking cool.

THAT'S JUST STOOPID!

So continuing from the ROARANGE salsa... what I remember most distinctly was the unstoppable, unmatched heckling of how Jeff talks. For some reason either Phil or Ratheen brought up the fact that the colonel says "baby" kinda weird, especially when intoxicated. I suppose it becomes some sort of a growl that sounds a bit like "bey-be". This snowballed into Jeff's Greatest Hits such as "That's just STOOPID," and "We're at Logan's DRinking BIG, STOOPID beers." Here's Ratheen posing with one of said big, stoopid beers:

This may or may not have been around the time Ratheen talked to Evelyn while pretending to be Jeff. Evelyn had no clue that the person on the other end of the phone wasn't Sack saying, "THAT'S JUST STOOPID!!" Really we were all laughing so hard, tears were shed. I think maybe Jeff was crying for real, though. In my opinion, he wanted to turn the attention elsewhere, so he started making fun of Phil's "blouse", which was some sort of a pinkish hue. Here's a pic of Phil, his shirt, Liana, and Ratheen's hand in an obscene gesture:


Apparently is takes a real man to wear mauve... or so I'm told. I had to make fun of Phil for being a Comm Studies major at Texas Tech. We Mass Comm-ers constantly put down Comm Studies kids as "Mass Comm dropouts" because people who can't pass the Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation exam go into Comm Studies... home of many an ignoranus, Olaniran, and Gay Josh Ray and his ill-fitting clothing. Phil, you should probably start lying about your schooling.

More heckling transpired when Phil tried to convince Ratheen that the two of them should double date with Liana and her cousin from Friday night. Where the dinner and dancing suggestion came from, I'm not sure, but making fun of Phil for wanting to double date turned into making fun of Jeff for how he said. "DINner and DANcing!" Oh, the things we find amusing never cease to amaze me.

Let's see... who else was made fun of? Oh yeah! The boys' friend, Greg! He has this hilarious laugh that is as indescribable as the bacon at The Original Pancake House. You have to hear it to believe it. BUT, I had enough impersonations from the guys that when Greg actually did start into hysterics, I almost peed because I was cracking up so bad. Here's Greg at Logan's with a big, stoopid Corona...

From Logan's we went to a house party somewhere. It was some dude's birthday party with an Asian theme, but really, I didn't see the theme besides a Chinese latern in the dining room that matched Phil's shirt. What really matters about this party is that we were pretty much asked to leave because Phil was impersonating Jeff and I guess some people found this "annoying" and "offensive". Namely the "roo toe" girl. I really don't want to explain the roo toe, but it has to do with camel toe so obnoxious that it looked like she had "a joey in there".

So from the party we arrived at a bar called The Londoner, I believe. I was totally pumped to have two shots bought for me by Jeff's friend Dana, whose boobs I felt Friday night for my breast augmentation research (it's serious stuff, y'all!).

Good times in the Big D! I'm going back soon! Warn the big, STOOPID Miller Lites...

This is incomplete because the Internet hates me.

Saturday morning I woke up with a mild hangover which was shortly remedied with a fantastic breakfast at The Original Pancake House. Thank God I ordered the eggs and bacon. I'll leave the description of said bacon up to Jeff in the comments section. I don't think I could do it justice. Now if we were talking about shoes or makeup... Anyways, the green chile and salsa there was probably the last thing I would ever eat besides lima beans and bugs, but whatever. The "Appetizing Meats" on the menu made up for their shortcomings where spicy condiments are concerned.

It was apparent early on in the day that we were not going to meet our 2 p.m. deadline to begin drinking at an inappropriate location (which was decided to be Olive Garden on Friday night), so we aimed for about 6-ish at Logan's (East). After breakfast I enjoyed some quality television at Jeff's, which included Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. And warriers they were. I actually enjoyed the horror-turned-slapstick basis of the film. Probably the best part was the main character's hair (which I want mine to look like someday), and the fact that one of the female characters who burned herself
with cigarettes looked like the older brother from the Wonder Years:








Pretty crazy, huh? I think they are twins seperated at birth, but that would require an IMDB search I am not willing to do right now...

Well, we made it to Logan's sometime in the early evening and proceeded to drink big, stupid Miller Lites with Ratheen and Phil, got some sammiches, and stared with disgust at their excuse for salsa. It was a color I believe described by Jeff as "Rorange" (maybe there should be an apostrophe after the first "r"?).

I'll write more about Saturday later. Last night I pretty much had it finished and the Internet crapped out on me, so I'm a little frustrated...

Big Red, Baby Corn, and BOOYAKASHA: Friday in Dallas

So since Jaime cannot live without my blogs about my voyage to Dallas, here is Friday:

-Sleeping while Col. McAdoo went to a job interview... yesssss. I was still on a night schedule, but thank goodness I quit that job... read more on my MySpace blog!
-Lunch at Bennigans, which included a discussion about the different "positions" for The Game in Waiting... The Goat, The Batwing... we couldn't remember any others. Our waitress also had amnesia apparently (and kick ass cornrows).
-A trip to the Galleria and failure to find a proper outfit for the Colonial, and for some reason Jeff thought there might be a J. Crew at the ghetto mall (like the ones in TAFKAS) where a hip hop radio station's headquarters are.
-Continual quotes from Ali G... "WHY HE BE WEARIN' THA?"

-Taking a cab to Happy Hour. Jeff was planning ahead.
-Happy Hour and binge drinking at Chaucers, which included saki bombs and more Miller Lite. I also got to meet a bunch of the Colonel's friends, who were all fantastic individuals in my opinion. I really enjoyed everyone making fun of Ratheen for ordering chicken fried rice while drinking... and somehow there were raisins on the plate, which subsequently ended up on the sofa Jeff and I were seated at. I forgot my camera that night, but here's a pic of some shrimp and bacon fried rice for your viewing pleasure (don't worry, we'll chat more about bacon later)... -There was also Liana's cousin who has some crazy boyfriend who called her like 14 times in about three minutes. He was threatening to get his "black friends" to kick people's asses (I guess if they tried to hit on his shorty, which Phil proceeded to accomplish quite well). We'll discuss their impending double date of dinner and dancing with Ratheen and Liana in the next installment.

-I was continually heckled for not drinking enough, but I think I was just trying to hold back some of my surliness so as not to embarrass Jeff too much... hahaha, like that's even possible! I chugged more Miller Lite than any person should unless they want to end up with an impending case of psoriasis of the liver. I'm on my way...
-I'm about 47% certain that after the Mavericks' game Friday night we went to a bar called Duke's, which apparently Ratheen pronounces as "Deeyukes". So we're at Dukes, getting more shitty, which is always a good idea. I talked to Liana for a while, talked to Ratheen for a while, and met some guy named "Bear" who I was not supposed to make eye contact with because he is allegedly crazy. He seemed ok to me until he started trying to recruit me into his gang of biker ninjas who have spider monkey companions. That's not true... or is it? I wouldn't look directly into this monkey's eyes, either...

-There was some guy in a tux who was telling chicks he had been left at the alter so he could have a better chance at the punanny...

Anyways, I think that just about covers Friday night. It was just as fun as watching Ali G at the Colonel's Thursday night. I totally dig hanging out with that kid in Dallas, even though he doesn't want me to. :o)

Big Red, Baby Corn, and BOOYAKASHA: Thursday in Dallas

So if you didn't get the memo, I traveled to the great city of Dallas this last weekend to visit Colonel Jeff McAdoo. I think the best way to tell you about it is just in some sort of chronological order, so here goes...

Actually, I think I should start with Thursday morning when I had to appear in court to bear witness to my Jeep being broken into. It was really scary for some reason. Probably because the dudes who did it were "dogging" me and my entourage. However, the highlight of being at court for three hours in the morning after being at work until almost 3 a.m. was being questioned by the (in)famous Gary Mitchell. If you don't know who Gary Mitchell is, you obviously don't watch enough CourtTV, or you don't live anywhere near the Hondo Valley, OR you don't belong to the Sam Donaldson fan club. Here's a pic of Gary with that crazy hippie lady who maybe killed some guy's wife in TAFKAS in the 90s:

Anyways, I was pretty scared that Gary et al. were going to keep me too long in court and I wasn't going to make it to El Paso in time to catch my flight. BUT, I found out of you drive about 80-90 mph from Ruidoso to El Paso, you can make it in like two hours. Thinking about all of the interesting names towns in New Mexico made the trip go by faster... High Rolls, Truth or Consequences, Alamorosa... I could go on all day. I also was reminded what a crap hole Orogrande is. They have mine tours.

So, here are the highlights of Thursday evening:

-Being picked up at the airport in the Turbo Suede, which somehow earned Jeff secret agent parking... crazy.
-Dinner at BJ's which included being the only people seated in an enclosed section with a group of about 25 women apparently there for a bachelorette party. The giant inflatable penis and the condoms on the bride-to-be's veil gave them away.
-Guessing the origin of the guy at the beer store (I say he's Armenian, I don't think Jeff really knows).
-Watching the entire second season of Da Ali G Show while drinking Miller Lite and becoming the new #1 fan.

RESPEK!

For some reason there was like a discount condom store in the same shopping center as the beer store. I wish I could remember what it was called, but it was pretty inappropriate... "Connies for less, mate?"

Anyways, that was Thursday and it was outstandsing! I could have forgotten something, though...

Magister Artium!

The Magister Artium, Magister in Artibus or Master of Arts degree is an academic degree of medieval origin, which has later acquired different characteristics in different educational systems. -Wikipedia

Not quite sure where the whole "medievel origin" thing came from, but now I have joined the ranks of those with a Master of Arts degree. Mine just happens to be from the wonderful world known as Texas Tech University, and more specifically, the College of Mass Communications.

I seriously got that Double T logo from a Web site called meatscience.org. Not kidding.

Grad school was quite the experience, I suppose. I think mostly I will remember how you can get away with turning in basically the same paper in every class if you play your cards right. Mostly. Then there was the "College Debauchery" Part Two. I didn't party like I did in undergrad, but Amanda and I had our share of drunken shenanigans (several at school-sponsored functions with free alcohol). We also had our share of sober ones... but I don't remember them. ;o)

I have to say that I'm glad to be finished. Now I just need a job in TAFKAS... and I don't want another job as a basement troll, either.

This kinda made me laugh...

So Amanda's quiz obsession that I apparently sparked made me take this one I saw on Alli's MySpace...

Sarah -- [noun]: A steamy, steamy shower. 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Neeeiiiillll! NOOOOO!!

The discovery of Reason 261 to Get the Eff Out of Ruidoso ASAP occured tonight.

It was a fairly normal night. My mom hung out for a little while and ate some chips and salsa with me, I served a ton o' beer and gin and tonics (and Guinness to Jeffrey). I didn't get too pissed off at anyone, although I was slightly irritated at this Native dude who tried to give me this homemade-looking Oklahoma Tribal identification card in exchange for pool balls. I said, "Um, do you have like a driver's license?" As if I hadn't already asked for it... Anyways, he hands me this identification card that has "NOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE" printed all over it. I inquired to Jeffrey what this may be about and he explained that the dude had probably gotten a DUI.

So it was around the time that the Native was returning the pool balls (like 1:45 a.m.) that Wes the Bouncer (or "cooler" as they call them at Coyote) comes downstairs and asks if anyone in my bar owns a black Jeep. Now when I think of Jeep, I'm thinking Wrangler. My Jeep is a Grand Cherokee... Laredo. Don't ask me what the Laredo means because I have no clue.

I spoke up and said I have a black Jeep, which was parked across the street from the bar's main entrance. Keep in mind I started parking there instead of the lower parking lot because my mom and brother were afraid my brother's ex-girlfriend would try and eff it up because she's crazy. This parking lot is in plain view from the top floor of the bar, so we thought it would be safer. Um, how 'bout NO.

Wes informed me that the Jeep had been broken into and they had the guys who did it in custody. I kinda laughed because I had the U-joints replaced like last week and had taken everything out of there, not to mention I have spent the last two days vacuuming and Armorall-ing the interior. My guess is these guys saw how amazingly shiny and clean the inside of the Jeep was and wanted a closer look, because there was NOTHING to steal. Or so I thought.

I checked out my stereo and the "frame" thing that was around the faceplate was g-o-n-e. That's all I noticed was missing. They didn't even take the dollar I had in the console, or the change I had in a little thing by the gear shift. I talked to the cops, blah, blah, blah, and went back to work so I could close up and finish this larseny deal. So as I'm cleaning, I realize that my sweet CD holder (which Amanda gave to me after a gentleman caller left it at her place) was missing, along with two of my three Neil Diamond "box set" CDs, and more importantly, CDs burned for me by my brother. Picture this, though, every single one of those CDs was burned. Why would they even want them??

So I'm telling the cops about this and the dudes who did it are still in the backs of the cop Jeeps. Well, one of them starts messing with me, making faces and talking to me, even though I couldn't hear him. I tried to ignore it from the corner of my eye, but I looked over and he was pointing from his eye to me and back again. I haven't been scared for a long time, but I think I am now. These dudes are going to get some effing gangbangers to come mess with me.

I have to wonder why they even wanted my stereo. It's a Pioneer from like three years ago... not so cool. And seriously, who steals car radios anymore? Not to mention like ten burned CDs, including one titled "Skinny White Boys Sing to You" and Neil Diamond? I didn't think Mexican gangsters liked Neil, but what do I know? They might do drive-bys to "Love on the Rocks", "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show", or maybe even "Crunchy Granola Suite". I know Neil inspires me to do things. But it's more like sing along and be happy... if anyone wants to buy me this CD because they feel pity for the fool who is going to be chased down by *thug life* and whatnot, I won't mind.

I tell you what, though, I do not think Neil would be very happy if he heard about this. I might have to message him on MySpace (heck yes, he's my friend) and tell him what happened.

And there's more. Not only were these guys thugs, they were apparently driving a mini van. Woulda been more thuggish if it was a contravan, but hey, this is The Dizz, not TAFKAS. I looked at my CDs in the van and what else did I see in it? A baby seat and baby wipes. This breaks my heart a little bit. Poor kid is probably doomed to live the gansta life.

Oh, and I also don't know where the CD case is. I don't know if the cops have it or if they just didn't take it out of said mini van. If I don't get it back, I'm gonna be PISSED.

So Reason 261 is: Gangsters want to kill you and you should probably leave.

Sorry if this rant is confusing and lacking in GSP skills. It's nearly 5 a.m. and I'm a little stressed out. :o(

P.S. - Thanks to Dustin and Wes who are not only highly protective of me, but ready to kick these guys' asses if they ever come near me or the Cantina ever again. I guess I need to put both of them on speed dial...

COYNOVA

I don't even know what to say about this picture. COYNOVA. Bad Attitude. This was the night of Ashley's "Martini Madness 2005". And the night Bad Attitude said to me, "Do you think your friends would get pissed if we were to go somewhere alone later?" ...or something very similar (gag).

This was a night when the guests at our table changed like three times, but we remained intact (and by "we" I mean me, Amanda, and Ashley). I recall hanging out with professors, fellow students, spouses of professors, local television personalities... I'll refer to them as "The FC" and "Steve" (or Brick and Champ). Also "Face for Radio" and his undying love for Ash...

You should read my blog because I am... a genius.

Your IQ Is 115

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Genius

Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Ok, so apparently I have no logical skillz, but whatev. I gets by. Somebody who is logical should probably take this quiz and tell me which questions are the logic ones... because they all seemed math-, language-, or history-related.