Monday, December 17, 2007

Reproductive Prowess

This rant brought to you by the people on MySpace who deem it necessary to post photos of their babies everywhere and the letter G.

While thumbing through my MySpace friends today I couldn't help but notice a recurring trend: Everyone with kids has a photograph of the child as their profile picture. First of all, why? I understand you are proud that you had sex and maybe something went "right," but why? I feel like it's an Amber Alert waiting to happen. A poster saying, "I live in _____ zip code, am __ years old, and this is my tiny, adorable and vulnerable baby!"

Which begs more questions. Why do intelligent humans reproduce? Just to see what "it" would look like? To have a Mini Me? Testing the parenting waters (would you be a good one)? Are they sadists? Because even people who have led the most charmed lives have pain and suffering inflicted by life. Life is hard, and even if your life is "easy" by other people's standards, you are going to find something fucked about it (Like why is Paris Hilton like that?). Do you really believe you can make a better life for your child(ren)? Do you really think having kids will fulfil you?

What frightens me is that stupid people truly are reproducing at an alarming rate. Smarties are waiting until they're financially stable and have truly taken the time to accept that their lives are about to be forever altered. They know how to use birth control. Stupid people apparently missed that day in life when the memo went out announcing sex begets babies and babies are goddamn expensive, and in my observations cause their parents equal amounts of joy and grief.

So let's do the math... If fewer intelligent people choose to reproduce (or have less kids), and the dumbasses are reproducing at a rate of how many 40s of malt liquor they can imbibe in any given hour, squared, evolution will eventually win and the human race will be retarded, hence leaders around the world like GWB, war abound, and then end of civilization as we know (knew) it. So that may be a dramatic oversimplification, but you wait. I will be the one laughing my ass off in the spirit world.

How can people be so idealistic and naive to think that "My kid is going to be different." Different how? Are you converting to Anabaptism and moving to an Amish community to keep your kids from all the horrible stuff in the media and society? Trust me, your kids will harbor resentment if pop culture is forbidden (and by pop culture, I mean all things cool). My mom sent us to school with a PBJ, an apple and a yogurt when everyone else had Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, Snack Packs and Doritos. No MTV. No "Blossom," for chrissakes! And look at me now... the most cynical of all.

Which brings me to my last theory of the day: There are three types of people. Idealists who believe life should be one way, and because it isn't one way, they are depressed and/or angry. You know who you are. The second are realists who know life is what it is, there are ups and downs, downs, downs, but you go with the flow and accept that it will never be like it is in the movies (but you have movie moments to look forward to). Then there are the opposite-end idealists, who probably know that life will never be as satisfying as they had hoped, but they fake it. They're the magic Christians filled with the "light" and who also secretly (secretly) go home and cry or pop pills or beat their kids after a day of saccharin smiles and God-bless-yous.

Call me what you will... Cynic. Pessimist. Panda jerk. Genius. But I fall into that second group I mentioned above and even though you may not believe it, I will be happy for you if you choose to have or adopt children as long as you know what you're doing and don't kid yourself. Final Deep Thought: Christina Aguilera, get off the cover of Marie Claire before I vomit. I'd rather see naked Gene Hackman than that! Geez.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Attack of the Emo

Does anyone really know what "emo" is? The most popular (read: funny) definition on Urban Dictionary says:

Genre of softcore punk music that integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle.

Wikipedia tells me it originated in Washington, D.C., which makes sense to me because it's utterly depressing there if you might want to express yourself through any channel that isn't a political campaign. And fashion is like shopping at a country club uniform warehouse, so we can deduce that the emos "rebelled" in a sensitive yet angry manner. But I don't believe that it's a version of punk in the least.

I've compiled my own short list of bands I think are emo that you may or may not want to avoid, and here they are for your warning pleasure...

Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy
The Used
Tiger Army
30 Seconds to Mars

We had three dishwashers over the summer who qualified as emo (I think). The first one, Emo Tim, age 19, looked emo. He even had an ever-bloodshot eye and a Friar Tuck haircut with the I-could-care-less-if-I-get-anywhere saunter. One day I asked him what emo was and he said, "It depends on who you ask." His protege, a lad about five years younger than Emo Tim, whom we lovingly referred to as Mr. Frodo because of his tiny stature, modeled himself after Tim, but couldn't quite pull it off with his blond hair and 14-year-old cherubic face. He did, however, have an emo-bang that covered his eye, so maybe he's gonna make it.

Really quick, I'd like to add Coheed & Cambria to my list. Here's a picture of the lead singer. He's on the far right.
The third dishwasher came after Mr. Frodo and Tim and claimed he was the one who Tim got all of his fashion ideas from, which pretty much were limited to fashion eyeglass frames, very thick belts, and skinny jeans. His name was Andrew and I asked him if he'd rather be called "Andy" or "Andrew" (I'm bossy, I need to know people's names so I can boss with convincing faux-authority) and he said he didn't care. This alerted me immediately to his feigned emo-ness. I think the correct emo answer would have been, "Drew," or "Robert Smith of The Cure." Not really. None of those dumbasses even know who Robert Smith is.

You can be pretty sure that any bands with a completely unnecessary "The" preceding the lame band name can secure a place in the emo bizzarro world along with some or any of the following characteristics:

-Any band members who wear eyeliner
-Music videos in grayscale
-Hair that "appears" dirty or flat-ironed (or both) or over an eye
-Skinny jeans
-Too short/tight t-shirts
-Fabricated and practiced sullen or pained facial expressions

Do we know what emo is yet?

Post Script: I just saw a commercial for, where the actors address the "The" phenomenon I wrote about a couple of months ago. Collective subconscious? I think not... Who's reading my blog besides Jaime?