Monday, December 17, 2007

Reproductive Prowess

This rant brought to you by the people on MySpace who deem it necessary to post photos of their babies everywhere and the letter G.

While thumbing through my MySpace friends today I couldn't help but notice a recurring trend: Everyone with kids has a photograph of the child as their profile picture. First of all, why? I understand you are proud that you had sex and maybe something went "right," but why? I feel like it's an Amber Alert waiting to happen. A poster saying, "I live in _____ zip code, am __ years old, and this is my tiny, adorable and vulnerable baby!"

Which begs more questions. Why do intelligent humans reproduce? Just to see what "it" would look like? To have a Mini Me? Testing the parenting waters (would you be a good one)? Are they sadists? Because even people who have led the most charmed lives have pain and suffering inflicted by life. Life is hard, and even if your life is "easy" by other people's standards, you are going to find something fucked about it (Like why is Paris Hilton like that?). Do you really believe you can make a better life for your child(ren)? Do you really think having kids will fulfil you?

What frightens me is that stupid people truly are reproducing at an alarming rate. Smarties are waiting until they're financially stable and have truly taken the time to accept that their lives are about to be forever altered. They know how to use birth control. Stupid people apparently missed that day in life when the memo went out announcing sex begets babies and babies are goddamn expensive, and in my observations cause their parents equal amounts of joy and grief.

So let's do the math... If fewer intelligent people choose to reproduce (or have less kids), and the dumbasses are reproducing at a rate of how many 40s of malt liquor they can imbibe in any given hour, squared, evolution will eventually win and the human race will be retarded, hence leaders around the world like GWB, war abound, and then end of civilization as we know (knew) it. So that may be a dramatic oversimplification, but you wait. I will be the one laughing my ass off in the spirit world.

How can people be so idealistic and naive to think that "My kid is going to be different." Different how? Are you converting to Anabaptism and moving to an Amish community to keep your kids from all the horrible stuff in the media and society? Trust me, your kids will harbor resentment if pop culture is forbidden (and by pop culture, I mean all things cool). My mom sent us to school with a PBJ, an apple and a yogurt when everyone else had Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, Snack Packs and Doritos. No MTV. No "Blossom," for chrissakes! And look at me now... the most cynical of all.

Which brings me to my last theory of the day: There are three types of people. Idealists who believe life should be one way, and because it isn't one way, they are depressed and/or angry. You know who you are. The second are realists who know life is what it is, there are ups and downs, downs, downs, but you go with the flow and accept that it will never be like it is in the movies (but you have movie moments to look forward to). Then there are the opposite-end idealists, who probably know that life will never be as satisfying as they had hoped, but they fake it. They're the magic Christians filled with the "light" and who also secretly (secretly) go home and cry or pop pills or beat their kids after a day of saccharin smiles and God-bless-yous.

Call me what you will... Cynic. Pessimist. Panda jerk. Genius. But I fall into that second group I mentioned above and even though you may not believe it, I will be happy for you if you choose to have or adopt children as long as you know what you're doing and don't kid yourself. Final Deep Thought: Christina Aguilera, get off the cover of Marie Claire before I vomit. I'd rather see naked Gene Hackman than that! Geez.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wheels, you have officially gone above and beyond and out done yourself. I have two dumb ass friends who have unfortuanately chosen to further contaminate the gene pool. And let me tell you, they shouldn't have. But your right, intelligent human beings, I consider yours truly included, are holding off and realizing that, "Hey, this might really change my life!" Holy reproduction Batman! I'm glad you are a realist and I am proud to call you my friend! Hell, I might even help "rear your child." HAHA!! ;-)