The Answer to All Your Financial (and other) Problems!

Some of us are really suffering financially right now. The car industry is crashing in the United States, people are losing their jobs and houses, and many of us just don't have the extra walking-around-money that we used to.

I found inspiration when I heard about an upcoming fundraiser to take place in Ruidoso next week. A couple who has been trying, unsuccessfully, to reproduce is having a private party that you can go to (yes, you) for just $30 to help them raise money for whatever treatments are necessary for them to win at the game of making a mini-me. Chefs from around town are volunteering to prepare the donated food, and drinks will be served as well. I'm not certain if the booze is included, but it doesn't matter because I won't be attending.

Personally, I find this event wrong on so many levels. Whether or not these folks are feeling the pinch from the economy is really besides the point. If they don't have enough money to have fertility treatments, they probably don't have enough money to properly rear a child, clothe it, send it off to school, help it survive on the $20K he or she will make post-college, etc. It seems that many of these "deals" also result in multiples that the parents can't afford, in which case they sell their souls to TLC for diapers, Juicy Juice, and Johnson & Johnson baby hygiene products.

I may sound incredibly harsh to an innumerable amount of people, but I more or less subscribe to natural selection, and if you can't do it on your own, you probably weren't meant to spawn. But as humans, we have options. There are the fertility treatments/procedures that can have great results for responsible parents, or they can result in multiples that have to be terminated, or the ol' trial and error miscarriage. Why can people who want children initiate a risky pregnancy that will likely result in miscarriage, or initiate a pregnancy that will likely result in multiple embryos that must be removed, but the women who seek, and the doctors who perform, abortions are persecuted and killed for their choice? This seriously has ethical debacle written all over it, but I doubt many people here (including myself) would be brave enough to say something publicly.

Another option is adoption. I don't know how much it costs in comparison to fertility treatments, but why doesn't the couple in question consider taking on a child who was abandoned or whose parents could not care for him or her? Why bring another child onto this already crowded planet when there are plenty here already who need homes?

You know, have kids if you are so inclined, but please be responsible adults in stable relationships and in stable financial situations. I encourage you to give the world intelligent, well-mannered individuals that you can care for until they are well and able to care for themselves.

And in the meantime, I'll be planning my superficial fundraiser so I can get Botox and liposuction. If you need financial help, you should plan one too...

Reproductive Prowess

This rant brought to you by the people on MySpace who deem it necessary to post photos of their babies everywhere and the letter G.

While thumbing through my MySpace friends today I couldn't help but notice a recurring trend: Everyone with kids has a photograph of the child as their profile picture. First of all, why? I understand you are proud that you had sex and maybe something went "right," but why? I feel like it's an Amber Alert waiting to happen. A poster saying, "I live in _____ zip code, am __ years old, and this is my tiny, adorable and vulnerable baby!"

Which begs more questions. Why do intelligent humans reproduce? Just to see what "it" would look like? To have a Mini Me? Testing the parenting waters (would you be a good one)? Are they sadists? Because even people who have led the most charmed lives have pain and suffering inflicted by life. Life is hard, and even if your life is "easy" by other people's standards, you are going to find something fucked about it (Like why is Paris Hilton like that?). Do you really believe you can make a better life for your child(ren)? Do you really think having kids will fulfil you?

What frightens me is that stupid people truly are reproducing at an alarming rate. Smarties are waiting until they're financially stable and have truly taken the time to accept that their lives are about to be forever altered. They know how to use birth control. Stupid people apparently missed that day in life when the memo went out announcing sex begets babies and babies are goddamn expensive, and in my observations cause their parents equal amounts of joy and grief.

So let's do the math... If fewer intelligent people choose to reproduce (or have less kids), and the dumbasses are reproducing at a rate of how many 40s of malt liquor they can imbibe in any given hour, squared, evolution will eventually win and the human race will be retarded, hence leaders around the world like GWB, war abound, and then end of civilization as we know (knew) it. So that may be a dramatic oversimplification, but you wait. I will be the one laughing my ass off in the spirit world.

How can people be so idealistic and naive to think that "My kid is going to be different." Different how? Are you converting to Anabaptism and moving to an Amish community to keep your kids from all the horrible stuff in the media and society? Trust me, your kids will harbor resentment if pop culture is forbidden (and by pop culture, I mean all things cool). My mom sent us to school with a PBJ, an apple and a yogurt when everyone else had Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, Snack Packs and Doritos. No MTV. No "Blossom," for chrissakes! And look at me now... the most cynical of all.

Which brings me to my last theory of the day: There are three types of people. Idealists who believe life should be one way, and because it isn't one way, they are depressed and/or angry. You know who you are. The second are realists who know life is what it is, there are ups and downs, downs, downs, but you go with the flow and accept that it will never be like it is in the movies (but you have movie moments to look forward to). Then there are the opposite-end idealists, who probably know that life will never be as satisfying as they had hoped, but they fake it. They're the magic Christians filled with the "light" and who also secretly (secretly) go home and cry or pop pills or beat their kids after a day of saccharin smiles and God-bless-yous.

Call me what you will... Cynic. Pessimist. Panda jerk. Genius. But I fall into that second group I mentioned above and even though you may not believe it, I will be happy for you if you choose to have or adopt children as long as you know what you're doing and don't kid yourself. Final Deep Thought: Christina Aguilera, get off the cover of Marie Claire before I vomit. I'd rather see naked Gene Hackman than that! Geez.