Friday, March 31, 2006

For the readers...

For Amanda because she loves ninjas...
MySpace Funny Pictures
For Jeffrey, because he changed his MySpace pic to this one...
MySpace Funny Pictures
For Sack because hopefully he'll get it...
MySpace Funny Pictures

AND Saturday night's Bar Winner: Guy standing at Kevin's bar at Coyote, wearing a leather Members Only jacket, and one of those silver chains with the NY part of the Yankee's logo as the blingin' charm... You know, the kind you can buy from the Indian guy at a stand in the South Plains Mall? So hot right now.

Tap vs. Flick

Last night as I was cleaning up at work, I noticed a strange phenomenon: Despite the non-lack of ashtrays in the bar, there are ashes everywhere. Smokers, how does this happen? My only guess is that you flick the end of your cigarette into the ashtray instead of tapping the ashes off the end. Maybe you all can enlighten me.

So I think from now on I am going to have the "Bar Winner." This will be the most memorable person from a night I work at the bar. I might have a couple because there are so many drunken idiots in this town. So now for our first Bar Winner...

Bar Winner: If you ever encounter a guy who is concerned about how many calories he's consumed and talks freely about scheduling an appointment to get Botox, he is gay. I don't care how much he talks about his "girlfriend." He is gay.

Monday, March 27, 2006

My first night.

Tonight was my first night bartending at the Coyote Cantina and I have alreday seen too much. I was only there for about six hours, made decent tips, and was sent home early since it was so slow. Yesssss.

Let's start with my first customers... two guys, one my age and the other a couple years younger. I find out through casual conversation that the younger works at a golf course here in Ruidoso, and the other one is from Hobbs. They have a couple of shots, a couple of beers, and are convinced I am going to go out with them on a Monday night. The older one called his own dad and had me talk to "Pops", told me he was in love with me, and decided it would be a good idea for me to help him market XXXL Speedos in Greece.

Well, after they pay their tab, the younger one is talking to my manager about something. I'm thinking they're going to mess with me some more, since they'd been giving me a hard time, anyways. But they leave without another ornery word. Afterwards, I find out that the younger one is the grandson of a very, very, very wealthy and well-known New Mexico businessman. He also offered my manager $40 to let me off of work early... so now I'm being pimped.

The other interesting customers were a woman (about 55-ish, a little cracked-out looking), her manfriend (about 40-ish with a quasi-mullet), and a chick I assume was the woman's daughter because they kinda looked alike (*shudder*). The older woman is WASTED and pretty much dancing in her barstool to Shakira and singing along with some Gwen Stefani song I'd never heard before. I served them a beer and then walked away because I knew I wouldn't serve them again. I busied myself cleaning, etc. and looked over at them later, only to see the woman making licky tonguey motions at the manfriend... I am forever scarred for life. I also heard the older woman saying something about going home and turning on the "black lights."

Thankfully I did not have to wear the Chippenhell's uniform, but rather my own uniform: jeans and a black top (Amanda knows about the uniform). The black top being a Coyote Cantina tank. This whole deal could prove extrememly entertaining (for me, anyways). I wonder what will happen tomorrow...

Saturday, March 25, 2006


Ok, so you might think I'm joking, but the lady at left is wearing the "uniform" I will be wearing when I work at Coyote Cantina in the martini bar. I'm probably going to fashion my hair into some sort of a white girl afro, too, to complete the ensemble.

I wish I had Photoshop so I could paste a pic of my head on this picture to see what I'd look like if I was wearing the uniform. And if I had a bitchin' tan...

I can't wait to blog about all the crazy things I'll encounter working at a "real" bar...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Alpha Male

Yesterday I took my three-month-old, black toy poodle to the vet for his second set of shots and a routine examination here in Ruidoso. Well, throughout the appointment he was quite squirrley, trying to escape the thermometer in his rear end, the examination of his testicles (both of which dropped, whatever that means), and exploratory video of the inside of his ears, which was displayed on a television screen for my veiwing pleasure/disgust.

The doctor asked questions about where I got him, how many puppies were in the litter, etc. I explained he was one of three male puppies, and from what the lady at the pet shop told me, he was the biggest. I guess for the three or so days between when I first saw him and when I bought him, two chihuahua puppies crawled all over him while he just chilled and was like, "Whatever, it's the 90s."

The diagnosis is this: I have a perfectly healthy, papered, alpha male toy poodle. Yes, kids, my almost-four-pound, five-to-six-inch tall puppy is an alpha male. The vet said his behavior (the squirminess, the lack of eye contact, and general "I'm the shizz" disposition) is because he was the ruler of the litter, and probably those two little bastard chihuahuas.

So listen to Sarah, the dog whisperer, because soon I will have my own syndicated column about dogs (not really)... If your doggy is an alpha, you can do three things to help establish dominance without violence:

1. Hold your puppy in your hands so its head is at eye-level with you. Make him look you in the eye. If he's an alpha, you'll have to practice for about 30 seconds three or four times a day until he'll look you in the eye.

2. Hold the puppy like a baby you're rocking in your arms, loosely grasping his two front legs, until he'll lay still.

3. Grab the puppy by the scruff on his neck (this doesn't hurt them, this is the way their mothers would carry and punish them) and gently lay him on his side, again loosely grasping the two front legs. Make him lay still for about 30 seconds.

So now I must establish my dominance with my baby dog, who is such a drama queen... he howled like he was going to die yesterday when he got his shots, but was trying to eat the treats the vet gave him at the same time. It was hilarious.

*The picture is a product of a Google image search for "alpha male." I think it's an album cover...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Maiden Bloggage.

I always feel guilty when I blog on Eve and Wheels about things in my own life - things non-related to college and binge drinking, and things that make sense to only a few people who may be reading Eve and Wheels waiting for something to relate to... anything.

The Sarah Show will combat the pertinent, serious questions we are confronted with on a daily basis, like are Andy Dick and Kathy Griffin really the same person? Is Al Roker a product of claymation? Why are assassins and serial killers always refered to by all three of their names? How do people who don't know the difference between "you're" and "your" get into college? What are McDonald's chicken nuggets really made of? How are we going to put a stop to Soylent Asshole? Will the NMSU Aggies ever be good at a sport... even like horseshoes or something? You get the idea.

So welcome to The Sarah Show. I'm bored half the time, I love to write, and sometimes I have a precious nugget of opinion that you will soon learn you absolutely CANNOT live without.