It was two years today (January 6th) since my brother died. I have tried successfully not to dwell by sleeping until almost 1:30 this afternoon and then dulling my mind with TV, the internet, and making a ridiculous purchase from Sephora. When I finally stop watching TV and try to go to sleep is when it will be hard. I've also successfully avoided all contact through my phone today.
I do remember that day like it just happened, though. The feelings are just somewhat different. Sometimes that chest-crushing, broken-hearted feeling returns, but back then it was all day, every day. I couldn't sleep, and when I did, I had nightmares, or woke up crying. It was so hard. It still is. The hardest part is I don't think anyone understands on any level still. My family's dynamic was completely destroyed two years ago and we still haven't figured out how to make it work. How to just be around each other and not feel uncomfortable because someone is missing.
I still don't understand how someone can be here one day and gone forever the next. We're way beyond that point that maybe he's off fighting fires and he'll be home in a few months. This is a situation where you have to figure out how to adjust and live your life with a huge piece missing. It's like being an amputee or something. I last saw my brother on January 1st, 2006. He called me on January 3rd. On January 6th, he was dead.
On The Wheeler Blog you can read what Josh and I wrote for a printout for his memorial service. That was about the worst thing I've ever had to do. We should not have had to do it, and it felt like nothing could be good enough for Matt. I still don't feel like I can do anything to honor his memory. So I watched cartoons all day.