Monday, July 03, 2006

Die, white zinfandel, DIE!!!!!

"A good starting point when discussing bad wine is White Zinfandel, or as it is known in certain circles of connoisseurs, 'the Pink Scourge'." -John Weidman

There is no way I can explain my hatred for white zinfandel. It's a "wine", it's a putrid shade of pink, and it tastes like watered down Arbor Mist, sans the light carbonatory (new word) properties, with a touch of rubbing alcohol added. It's repulsive and no one should ever drink it.

I am by no means a wine snob. Set out two unlabeled bottles of red wine in front of me and I probably couldn't tell you which was a cabernet and which was a merlot. What irritates me largely are people who are just like me (don't know shit about the vino), but act like they are editor in chief of Wine Spectator, when really this person has had exorbitant amounts of various wines from boxes or Gallo jugs, and watched Sideways (that movie can die right along with white zin).

Why this angry diatribe about wine, Sarah, you may ask? Well, my friends, let me tell you a quasi-tale of Le Bistro and a shower of Texans that has invaded this quaint mountain town for the Fourth of July holiday...

We have two wines by the glass at Le Bistro. The restaurant is way too small to compensate for anything more than that. The selection varies from merlot and chardonnay, to red bordeaux and sauvignon blanc, to valpolicella and pinot grigio. You never know what great surprise Jeff and I have in store for you when you ask what wines we have by the glass. It's really quite exciting (insert sarcasm for that last comment)...

And let's not forget that we don't have a wine list at Le Bistro. Richard keeps it real and is usually bringing new and interesting wines every few weeks, so a list is just a waste of time. I made one two summers ago and it just ended up being a list to pacify customers, while we never had half of what was on it. What we do have is an attractive display inside with the many wines we have available by the bottle. To me, this is not a big deal. I would never walk into a family-owned restaurant and expect it to run like Olive Garden. To me, when you walk into a place like Le Bistro, you want to try something different.

Back to the Texans. The men and the women of the Texas love the Coors Light and the white zinfandel, respectively. Personally, I truly believe they do not know that any other beers or wines exist (besides pinot noir because of fucking Sideways), and while I am always true to my Miller Lite, I'm also up to try new alcoholic beverages (as long as they don't contain tequila or any of the Malibu varieties). The Texes are not. We usually have Coors Light in stock, but never, ever, ever white zin. During the summer Richard will buy a case or two of Rosé, which is his personal stash (except for when Jeff and I drink two bottles of it like we did Friday night). So, we don't have a pink wine for the hicks, and oftentimes they become quite irate. Such as was the case this evening.

Long story longer, I had a four top of two middle-aged couples who seemed pissed off from the beginning. I gave them my usual spiel, which is pretty much the following script: "We don't keep a wine list because the owner likes to change the wines often, but they are on display if you would like to look them over, or I can suggest something for you." Pretty polite and articulate, if you ask me. Well, Fatty-Bo-Batty's Fatty Wife at table P6 tonight wanted a blush, even though I had already explained in English that we have one red and one white wine by the glass. To this she tersely retorted, "I guess I'll just have a Diet Coke." I'm thinking, "Yeah, lady... order the Diet Coke because that's going to solve your weight problem." But Fatty-Bo is mad that his portly Yellow Rose can't have her pink drink, and this is my fault because I'm obviously the owner, chef, and person who orders what we keep in stock. Obviously.

As I am leaving to retrieve their beverages, Richard walked up, doing his owner-thing and just asking people how it's going, blah, blah, blah. Fatty-Bo-Batty starts immediately bitching about the lack of a wine list. Two years ago, this would have warranted a "Take your fuck out of here!" from Richard, but it was a slow winter, and we all need the money. So Fatty's friend follows Richard inside to peruse the selection, and is still being rude...

At this point, I'm crying because I can't deal with the rudeness for another hour. Eddie is threatening to kick them out, and I'm sheepishly asking Jeff if he'll take them. Jeff is not pleased. Not to mention that by the time their food came out, it was discovered I failed to write down how Fatty's buddy wanted his ribeye cooked (which happened to be medium well, so of course it was very apparent these people were classless to start with)... it was a big disaster and this is my public thank you to Geoffrey for stopping my crying by taking that group of nasties (I know you read my blog, Geoff, so you better start commenting).

This is also my public plea to anyone and everyone to stop drinking white zinfandel. I know I don't have to worry about Amanda (because she's well on her way to editor in chief of Wine Spectator) or the Colonel (because I doubt he'd drink wine, let alone pink wine), but I am really worried about everyone else in this world. Take the intiative. Paul Giamatti's most famous line from Sideways was, "I will not drink any fucking Merlot!" If they would have just replaced "Merlot" with "White Zin" it would have been my favorite movie of all time. I will not drink any fucking white zin...

13 comments:

Jeff, Geoffrey, or whatever my name is said...

In chicago we used to just pour a little grenadine into the pinot grigio. No one ever knew the difference, but I really enjoy telling people what they want they can't have. And even more, making them like what they don't want. It's the little things in life that please me and if i made any grammatical mistakes I don't give a.., well you know the rest of the story.

Amanda said...

Hmmm I like Geoff's idea.... OR you could just make your own by mixing a red and white together (again) I doubt they'd know the difference. On that note - I had a delicious Riesling over the weekend AND discovered the difference between a Johannesburg Riesling and one that is just labeled dry, semi-dry, etc.

But I feel your pain about having to deal with the ignorant. I'm currently posting about what I've coined "red-neck-ghetto".

Sack said...

I think I have only had nine or 10 glasses of the wine that can be purchased in a restaurant. I have had quite a bit of Mad Dog, but (for whatever reason) I have yet to find a location where I can buy a bottle of Lemon Ice with my ribeye. It appears as though my wine connoisseuritude eclipses that of even the most advanced restaurant owner/operator/franchisee.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MD_20/20

Sarah said...

Eff those people. I refuse to mix them a pink wine beverage. They need to learn how to drink real wine. The vacationers this year are incredibly uncouth. Maybe I should buy some MD and serve it to the people who think they need the Pink Scourge (or to Jeff if he ever wants to come to Le Bistro and have the Steak Maître d'Hôtel with some Lemon Ice...

"MD 20/20 has also found a loyal customer base in college fraternity members."

LOL. I've never had "Mogen David" 20/20. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of drinking some Boone's Strawberry Hill, I believe. Methinks I would like to try the MD 20/20 flavor, Purple Rain, in honor of Prince.

Sack said...

Be warned that Boone's Farm and Mad Dog 20/20 are remarkably different from one another. While Boone's is like watered down Kool-Aid, MD is more like elk urine mixed with rotten grape juice and everclear.

Sarah said...

My God... why don't the bums and fraternity boys just buy some Crystal Palace (or Albertson's brand) vodka and shoot it with a Keystone Light chaser like the rest of us? Probably tastes about the same...

Amanda said...

I will attest that mad dog pretty much tastes like the sweat that had dripped off a fat man's ass....

Les said...

That guy sounds like a true jack-hole.
I thought White Zin was fabulous when I was like 15. I also thought Vanilla Ice was my future hubby which doesn't say much about me at that age.
We missed you this weekend fave! Thanks for calling us back with the important information!

Sarah said...

No problem, Fave! So glad I could answer questions that are essential to life! ;o)

And nice touch with the "jack-hole". Eve told me about Meggo's brother-in-law... what a douche bag!

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Hazuki said...

Yea when I started drinking wine I went right to cabs. <3 Them. Tried Morgan David once because my mom liked it as a kid. I thought I was going to die. Cough syrup had a better taste. >< I agree that white zinfandel must die, it's a waste of a perfectly good grape to make something that is gross out of it. They might as well use eating grapes you get at the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain!! I work(ed) at a wine bar in southern Oklahoma for years and had those same customers over and over again. :( I'm a great server, if I do say so myself, but when 'those people' come in I become Klutzy McForgotyourfreerefill. Sadly, though, those people still come. :( We can raise the prices all we want but that just elicits more bitching from the country folk'.

I enjoyed your blog though! I stumbled onto it from gizmodo, a tech blog I read. :) Good Luck and stay strong! :P

Jack Morgan said...

I found this blog by searching "why white zinfandel sucks" and it is such a godsend. I recently dealt with a person who asked for white zin and reluctantly drank 3 glasses of Moscato instead. We have a huge wine list. 130 bottles, 40 by the glass. She blasted us on Yelp and said we didn't have "staples" on our wine list, which is currently under consideration for a list of excellence award from Wine Spectator. I find solace in your post that I'm not alone in my frustration.