Monday, July 10, 2006

All I want is some Subway.

Here is your list of fast food places to eat at in Ruidoso: McDonald's, Sonic, Taco Bell, Schlotzsky's, Mr. Burger (not that fast), Burger Trolley (not that fast, either)... um, yeah. That's about it. Oh, and Subway, which is consistently inconsistent in every aspect of their business practice.

There used to be two Subways here, as well as a Burger King and an Arby's. I can't get flame-broiled goodness here, or the joy of an overly-processed roast beef sandwich doused in fake cheese sauce. I should have moved the second Arby's closed, but I hardly ever go there and didn't know they'd shut their doors forever until a few months after the fact. I can, however, "eat fresh" at Subway and make sure Jared and Jon Lovitz get a paycheck this month. Or so I thought.

Last week I wanted Subway when my mom and I went to Wal-Mart (which I failed to mention also has a Subway in it, but I'm scared to eat at it). So, we drove past the normal Subway and the parking lot was packed. Forget it... we'll just check out the next Subway down the road at Funtrackers, where I went go-carting not too long ago. Nope. It's closed, and Subway executives failed to send me the memo.

Now when I do actually drive the 17 miles to Subway, I can expect to find ridiculously rude employees who are obviously working paycheck to paycheck and crack hit to crack hit, and make it apparent that they hate me for even considering visiting their fine sandwich shop. I can usually assume they have only about three of the normal 15 chip varieties other Subways in real towns have. The same goes for the soda machine. In addition, your friendly Ruidoso Subway will be out of at least half of the breads other Subways have. Normally they have three day old Honey Wheat at all times, so they got that goin' for 'em.

But here's the zinger: Today I made the arduous drive almost all the way to the Downs, pulled into the Subway parking lot, only to find one of the employees standing in the doorway telling something to this other lady who was parked as well. Rather than waste my precious energy and get out of the car, I merely roll down my passenger side window to hear what news this disgruntled sandwich artist had for me... "We're out of bread."

WHAT? As Eddie would say, "Are you SERIOUS?" Why the f*ck are you even open, you dim-witted meth addict? Did you think I came to Subway for the SOUP or the shredded iceberg lettuce salads?? Don't insult me. Just close.

Here is my other question: How does a sandwich shop run out of bread, especially when they make the bread at said shop? You would think that when they notice the bread supply is running low, they'd throw a couple more frozen slabs of dough into the ol' oven, right? Or, hey... we're low on dough - do you think we should order some more? No, don't be foolish... let's go take another hit off the crack pipe.

I hate this town, you guys. Trying to explain the hate would be futile. I can feel my blood pressure rise when I think about going anywhere here. If I make it through the next ten days, it will truly be an amazing feat.

The only thing that would make me happy right now is if Jared himself would come to Ruidoso, fire the crackheads, and then make me a sandwich. For free.

18 comments:

Amanda said...

Um, I can only feel so sorry for you because I have McDonalds. That's pretty much it. Yes, I could get on the Metro, cruise to the suburbs and get some Arby's or something of that nature but the whole point of fast food is that it's fast. It shouldn't have to involve public transportation.

Jaime said...

Wow Wheels. Tell you what, I'll swing by and drop you a Subway Club next time I'm cruising through Ruidoso. That might be the most RIDICULOUS establisment I've ever even heard of. But who knows, next time you go in, maybe they might slip you a crack rock for your trouble!

Sack said...

Before you know it, you'll be living in the center of a snooty metropolis, with a Starbuck's directly below you and more sandwich shops within walking distance than you can shake a crack pipe at. =o)

Sarah said...

Jaime, first of all, where have you been? And secondly, how did you know a Subway Club is my favorite? I get it every time! And I have yet to receive a crack rock parting gift, but there's always tomorrow...

I have to posit that public transportation, fast food, obesity, and poverty all go hand in hand.

Jaime said...

I've been getting a job! Just got one at Onate, as a Social Studies Teacher/Coach! Go figure right?!? And thanks to Sack finding out the household income of the area I received a job offer in, I was able to make the correct decision!

As for the Subway Club, honest to goodness guess! But that's what I always get, so I was just gonna grab two!

Amanda said...

So this has nothing to do with Sarah's quest for the perfect sandwich but I had my first run in yesterday who someone who I legitimately think was on crack. Or had tourettes at the very least. He was walking behind Abbey and I screaming obsenities. It was great.

Sarah said...

The longer I'm in Ruidoso, the more becoming a crackhead sounds like a great idea. I'd definitely fit in better and I could get a job at Allsup's.

Must resist crack... nine... more... days.

Jaime, congrats on your new job!

Maud said...

Jaimie,
Why are there no windows in classrooms at Onate?

Jaime said...

Thanks Miss Sarah, I appreciate that! I'm pretty pumped!

Maud, there are windows in some of the classrooms, but not all. There are a lot of classrooms that lie in the middle of the building, so they have no access to windows. Same is true for every high school here in town. It's just on a bigger scale because there are more classrooms. But I am hoping that mine will be one of the one's on the outside edge!

Sarah said...

BTW, everyone... I finally got some Subway today. They were out of the Italian Herb and Cheese bread, so I settled for white. I figured that's what a true crackhead would do.

Jaime said...

Sarah, I truly believe you made the correct decision. In all my dealings with crack heads, I have yet to meet one who fancies Italian Herb & Cheese!

Amanda said...

I just want to know why the guy smoking the crack pipe in that picture looks like Jaime Fox???

Jaime said...

HAHA, I was wondering the same exact thing! But I didn't think anyone caught that! Has Jamie Foxx hit "rock" bottom or what?!?

Sack said...

Jaime, your pun made my toes hurt. It probably would have made the guy in the picture "crack" up, though.

Leslee said...

Just FYI- I saw Jamie Foxx yesterday...he is filming a movie with Jennifer Garner in the courthouse where I work. It was very exciting. Almost as exciting as when I saw Mike Tyson in the VIP section of a club in Scottsdale. He was surrounded by a heard of blonds. I thought it would be funny to try and join the heard, but the bouncer told me to "beat it"...apparently I’m not Tyson material.

Sarah said...

I actually think he looks more like the guy from Dodgeball who says, "Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!"

I guess his name is Chris Williams.

Rest assured, however, I merely did a Google image search for "crack head", to which Google replied, "Did you mean crackhead?" Apparently I'm not so skilled at the drug-related grammar.

Jaime said...

Sarah, your grammar is flawless when it comes to proper English. But apparently your not up on your slang and ebonics! And I'm glad I spurred on this rousing use of puns in people's conversations! I thought you'd appreciate that Sack!

Mark said...

Crackhead looks like NBA player, Steve Francis.