Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Recent Experiences in the Big City

I've been writing about some pretty unsavory things lately, but thought I'd take a break from the heartache and write about my recent experiences in Dallas (since I apparently tricked Scott with the title of my last blog on MySpace). Funny, I was thinking about this earlier today...

To put it simply, my recent experiences include a lot of improvement upon my gaydar. I work in the Gayborhood. I work at the Gayborhood Starbucks because I have failed to land a job in Mass Comm thus far (and have turned down a couple of interviews because now I don't want a job in PR or advertising). The amusing thing is, I love working at Starbucks. Time flies, the people I work with are uber-nice, and it has good perks. It's also a lesson in downtown life, as opposed to suburbia (and I'm not-so-much feelin' the downtown vibe... the suburbs are safer and cleaner). So, for simplicity's sake, I'm just going to bullet through some of my experiences so far...

-The BPs love the Caramel Macchiatos, and sometimes the White Mochas. I don't know why, they just do.
-The homeless love Starbucks as much as the rest of us do. I learned this when I picked up a shift near Deep Ellum (Gaston & Haskell, if you're wondering).
-A corpse was discovered across the street from the store I work at, behind the Gloria's I had eaten at just days earlier.
-Dorky cops love me, and gay men love my earrings.
-To make myself more astute in the ways of human sexuality, I have been trying to differentiate between the definitions of drag queen, transvestite, transsexual, cross-dresser, etc. Like, there are some men that come into my store who are clearly trying to look like women (like he grew his hair out and got breast implants), and then there are some who are clearly just men in a BAD wig, coral lipstick, and a push-up bra to accentuate their man-boobs. I know for a fact that most gay men are not this fashion-retarded. Most of them wear nice lip gloss like the rest of us girls... So what are their classifications?
-People have become so lazy that they can't even put their own condiments in their beverages and Starbucks caters to this. Which, in reality, is pretty unsanitary. We're not required to wash our hands between duties (doodies, yes, but like from cash register to bar, no) because we never actually touch what you ingest, and then we go rip open your Splenda after taking sweaty money from the man prostitute named Troy... YUMMY. When you end up with some sort of VD and you're not sure why, try to remember to quit being a lazy f*ck and put your own sugar in your Latte.
-My content analysis of lesbians thus far tells me they have a generally cranky demeanor.
-Some people (actually a lot of people) spend upwards of $200 a month at Starbucks. It truly is an addiction like cigarettes. Or crack.
-Check out the calorie content of the tasty snacks at your local Starbucks. And if you're watching your weight, never get a scone. They have between 650-750 calories a piece.
-Plastic surgery is never a good choice. I have seen some effen freakish faces due to collagen injections, Botox, and some bad boobies at BlackFinn (but that was in Addison). If you're going to get Botox or collagen injections, do something to make it look less rubbery and creepy. You're scaring the kids! I have a feeling if we saw the celebs who've had work done in person, they'd look totally monstrous... like you could bounce a quarter off their face because it's so tight, but they wouldn't feel it because of the Botox...

Anyhoo, that's my diatribe for now. I'm sure there'll be more to come, and if you have any Starbucks-related questions, feel free to ask. I may have the answer...

2 comments:

Jaime said...

HAHA, although I have cut out caffeine completely, I have been spending money at starbucks in the form of gift cards for people. I have learned that instead of doing what we used to do, get REAL drunk at the bar, come back to your house at 2:30 and sing Journey while drinking Miller Lite, people are moving to starbucks. I think it's a sad day, but maybe that's just me. If the colonel reads this, I bet he'll agree! Yet another successful diatribe Miss Sarah! My congrats!

Ty said...

Oh the collagen!! When I went to that birthday party last week at Patrizio's the host of the TV show "Cheaters" (I had no idea who he was but someone else at our table did...) was at the next table, and his wife had the most disgusting collagen lips EVER! I swear it looked worse than the picture you put up in this post! WOW. SO bad!

Bless you Dallas, for you love the plastic...