Ultimate fear, manifested... or festered?

Sorry, this is not my usual funny, sarcastic, and witty blog...

Emotional rejection is the feeling a person experiences when disappointed about not achieving something desired. It is commonly related to a quest of emotional relations, usually by a man to a woman, or vice versa. A person may reject for several reasons: lack of reciprocal interest, circumstances like societal codes, desire to make the other person perceive difficulty ("playing hard to get") and fear of placing himself or herself in a situation of vulnerability and heightened interaction. -From Wikipedia.


Dealing with rejection is not easy and I don't think it's escapable. It is omnipresent, and I have heard it described as the "ultimate fear" of the human species. It can be humiliating, hurtful, and damaging. Me, I'm a fairly positive individual. I've been handed some hard knocks since last December and it seems they just keep coming. Trying to make the best out of it all, however, is becoming exhausting.

Top of the list will probably always be dealing with my brother's death. I want to say it gets easier. It doesn't. It gets harder... then hopefully it gets easier. In hindsight, I probably should have done some serious soul-searching before making a big move, but being in Ruidoso made it hurt even worse and I wanted away from that house, the town, and the constant reminder that he was the one who made me want to go home so we could hang out. How does this relate to rejection? I feel like I was literally rejected by God, and the continuance of hard luck coming my way makes me wonder what's next, and not in a good way...

Shortly thereafter I broke up with my boyfriend instantly upon finding out he had "cheated" on me after we'd been dating about three months (I put cheated in quotes because it's not like we were married). We'd been dating about nine months when I happened upon this nugget of information. This came as a major blow, pretty much solely to my ego. How could he cheat on me? But having just suffered through the loss of Matt about six weeks earlier, this was seriously small potatoes, and so goes everything else following.

I've become apathetic in most situations. I feel like what people have described being on Prozac is like... you just don't give a shit. And I think this is sabotaging me in certain situations that I should care about, namely finding a job and to put it simply, men.

I'm doing things wrong in both situations, yet I'm not quite sure what. On the employment front, I'm educated, talented, but unfortunately not extremely experienced. But why is this keeping me from getting a job like I had in El Paso, fresh out of an undergraduate program? I was an account executive... I've been applying for AE positions... go figure. So I'm being silently rejected by employers, save three I've actually had the opportunity to talk to. I'm probably just too picky, which brings us to the second half of the apathy diatribe...

Men. Some of them are easy to figure out, especially when they're honest, yet you still wonder why they are the way they are. Like my ex for example: He treated me like a princess, babied me, bought me whatever I let him, wanted to spend time with me, yet it took him a night with another woman to figure out how much he "cared". Why? What does that even mean? Then on the opposite end of the relationship spectrum is the possibility of a new relationship... I can honestly say I don't know how this works, never have, and my lack of knowledge/apathy is probably being misconstrued as me being an ice queen.

I can't help it. I don't know how often you're supposed to call, text, e-mail, "MySpace" someone. So I usually just don't do it. I don't know if me asking a guy out and maybe calling every day is going to be perceived as overbearing or just normal. Based on the last paragraph, I have no idea how I ever had the relationships I've had. I obviously don't know what I'm doing and am apparently not as awesomely awesome as I think I am. Again with the ego: How could he not want to date me? Damn that!

Now how does that relate to rejection? Ah, very easily. If you've been rejected by the opposite sex, you know what I'm talking about. Someday when I figure out exactly why we fear rejection, I'll send you all a memo.

Don't get me wrong... I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want to appear as if I'm complaining. I'm merely "thinking" aloud. I think that's what writers are supposed to do (hahaha) and I'm still positive about the future. Maybe I do give a shit still and that's why I'm writing this (?). My life is blessed with a family and friends who care for me, I live in a fabulous city now with one of my best friends for a roommate, and gosh darnit... people like me! Oh, Stuart Smalley, you are a shrewd and erudite self-help sage. Thank you for your infinite wisdom.

I feel like I need to recite the Serenity Prayer now...