I want mall gift certificates for my birthday. I need new clothes.

When I lived in Lubbock, I'd go weeks and weeks (maybe even two months) without doing laundry. Residing in an apartment without washer/dryer hookups forced me to choose between washing my clothes, etc. at the lint-covered community laundromat, or get to the point where I had absolutely no choice but to wear scandalous undies, even though I would not be wearing pants necessitating the hiding of the panty line. I chose the latter most of the time, waiting until I'd drive to Ruidoso for a holiday or snowboarding to do laundry at home.

These days, I don't know how I accomplished this feat because I refuse to wear about 80% of my wardrobe due to the fact that I hate it, and every last pair of fancy underwear I had remains mysteriously in my ex-boyfriend's possession. Mostly I believe I did this because I was in school and didn't care what I looked like, unless I was going to the bar, at which point I'd bust out my Citizen jeans, a David Bitton shirt, and some BCBG heels. But this got me thinking about how I acquired a stock of clothing, most of which I will not wear but for some reason cannot part with?

"But what if that baby blue sleeveless tee with the ruched sides from Express three years ago comes back in style? It's not that bad..." I say to myself as I try and sort the keepers from the trash.

Some of this sick attachment must stem not only from the fact that I wore many of these items once, twice, or not at all and I feel guilty, but the fact that I paid for it all with my own money, and in the case of all the crap I bought from Express in college, am still paying for. Why did I buy this stuff? When did it become uncool, and how did I like them at one point, and then turn on my once-beloved garments?

I think I once heard on What Not to Wear that if you haven't worn something in a year, you should throw it out. Honestly, if I did this, more than half of the clothes living in my closet would be gone. Could I bear tossing the uni-sleeved shirt that has only been worn once (and not even by me)? What about those khaki pants from Abercrombie I got in like 2000... do I even wear chinos anymore??? What are chinos?

Thus defines my love-hate relationship with clothing. I love clothes, but I want clothes that look cute and won't go out of style so that I will not have wasted my money. But that never happens. Because even if I buy the most simple, classic item on the rack (a black tee for example), it will go out of style for one reason or another. Take into effect that I usually don't wear colors (unless it's my green Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show t-shirt) and this is not a formula for success. I should probably just move to a nudist colony or become a hippie.