Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Today I talked to the first celebrity I've talked to since telling Bruce Willis he wasn't allowed to catch his daughter (it was probably the condom-lover, Rumor) from the diving board back in '98. I mean besides heckling Sammy Hagar in Lubbock and telling Dave Matthews to take off his pants in Dallas...

Ok, so maybe she's not as famous as the Bruce or Dave, but she's clearly one of my personal heroes due solely to the fact that she was in The Goonies. I know you're thinking, "Wow, Sarah talked to Martha Plimpton!" No, not so much. "Kerri Green?" No... "Anne Ramsey??" No, she's dead. Ok, I'll tell you. It was Rosalita, also known as Lupe Ontiveros. She played Yolanda Salvidar in Selena and has most recently been "Mama Solis" in Desperate Housewives. She's also from the illustrious town of El Paso.

So I guess what's important is not that I talked to an Emmy-nominated actress. It's the ass I made of myself the three-ish times I talked to her assistant "Enrique" before I talked to her.

The first time I talked to him, I forgot who I was trying to score an interview with... "I'm calling in regards to... uh... uh... oh my gawd I'm drawing a blank... uh..." Did he help me? Not so much. Kind of an ass, actually. Said I would not be able to meet with her in person because they wanted to get more publicity for the event she's coming here for. So I had to ask my editor because this is not protocol.


Next time I talk to "Enrique", I am cool. I say we need photos since we aren't going to be meeting with Ms. Ontiveros, and we'd like a still from Babel since she was also nominated for an Academy Award for that film, which is what my publisher's wife told me. Yeah, that's not her. It's someone named Adriana Barraza. Wow, thanks publisher's genius wife. But, I schedule the interview and go home.


I get home and realize I have to be at City Council all day. And by all day, I mean during the time I had erroneously scheduled the interview. So I am frantically trying to get a hold of "Enrique" to reschedule. Thankfully she was available today because I was at City Hall for about six and a half hours. NOT thankfully, Enrique told Lupe about my faux pas. Who knows if he told her about the Babel thing.

Then yesterday after City Council, I'm telling Nick about the whole series of events and as if I'm not nervous enough about talking to a movie star the next day, his boss informs me that the Ontiveros wanted to be paid for the interview originally, so I went into the interview assuming she didn't want to talk to me...

All I can say is I.B.S. to the extreme.

Luckily my 45-minute chat with her went fairly swimmingly, although my publisher asked me to ask her how much money she made. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Somebody kick this kid in the shin.

So you may or may not recall a while back that kid who was kidnapped in Florida by some sick-o pederast, only to escape and be rescued. The boy was touted a hero in his own right and I could not agree more. The child was taken against his will, was undoubtedly scared out of his gourd and was sharp enough to get away, unscathed.

You must have seen the story develop over the past few days of the 12-year-old Boy Scout who wandered away from his group camping trip and found himself lost in the woods. He, too, is being praised for his survival skills and seeming tenacity. For one thing, I'm sick of hearing about it when there's a presidential election coming up next year and people are dying in the war and Africa. If you want to warm my heart with a tear-jerking story about heroism, I'd rather hear about a mentally challenged person who saved a parakeet from a house fire, because that person clearly has more wits than this kid in my opinion.

The kid decided to take off on his own because the friends he liked didn't show for the camping trip, i.e. he was "homesick". I used to go to camp for an entire month during the summer when I was a kid in the mountains near Santa Fe. I got homesick sometimes. Common sense even at 10 told me I should not embark on a trek back to Farmington because it just wasn't a good idea. Did he think he'd pass a phone booth in the wilderness?

So when did this kid's common sense fail him and the foreshadowing of the rest of his certain failure of a life set in? I'm not sure, but luckily after a few days in the North Carolina woods at "freezing" temperatures, a woman and her dog named Gandalf found him. Reports say one of the first things he requested was a helicopter ride. Then food and water and whatnot. Then his dad tells cameras that he told his son before the camping trip that if he didn't have fun, dad would give him five dollars, and said he'd pay up. Dude, after the initial relief wore off that I was alive and well, I guarantee you I would not have been given my five dollars or a helicopter ride, but rather a grounding and incessant lectures on my bad decision.

And this child is being heralded a hero. He is being called a hero for making a bad choice and somehow, amazingly, surviving for a couple of days without his ADHD medication. Shocker... when he was off the meds, he somehow managed to make calculated survival decisions. That's amazing.

Please let's keep on rewarding mediocrity and see what happens. I can't WAIT for a kid who grew up on Ritalin and without dodge ball to be running the United States. We might as well elect Clay Aiken as President right now and get it over with.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Sun City, hangovers and stripper vans... OH MY!

I'm writing for a living now, so I haven't been feeling like blogging, although I have had some ideas. Let's just bullet through some of the happenings of late, shall we?

-I moved to El Paso for an awesome job at a weekly paper. I LOVE IT!!

-I stayed at a friend's apartment while he stayed at his parent's house for a week before I got my apartment, and I have some thoughts on guys decorating their spaces without the assistance of an interior design professional, or at least a female friend with some fashion and aesthetic sense to her being. In short, my content analysis over the years reveals that guys should never embark on interior design unless they have that special flair, should never allow their mothers to help them (unless said mother is an interior decorator, and even then you should proceed with caution), cheaper is never better. Save up for the good stuff.

-El Paso women make me look really good. I mean, I'm like fucking Gisele Bundchen compared to most of these chicks. And if you live here, you know I'm not being conceited. At all.

-I hate when radio stations play "Tainted Love" and cut off the snappy ending. You know the part that goes, "Baby, baby... where did our love goooo?" You know what I'm talking about.

-I have an idea for a funny column that includes me riding the Sun Metro for a month, but I'm afraid it would be so hilarious, my own head would explode.

-Sunsets and sunrises on mountains or mesas beat out a sunset or sunrise on building any day, any time, forever.

-I started thinking about it today, and I estimated I have spent at least 7,000 hours being hungover over the last ten years. And that's probably on the modest end...

-There is a huge difference between Hispanics and Mexican Nationals in El Paso and in Dallas.

-Being a pedestrian in El Paso is like having a contract out for your own death. I would not recommend walking here. Or driving, really. I have been passed on Mesa, driving 40 miles per hour, by people drag racing. Today it was a newer model Cadillac sedan and like a 1998 Mustang... WTF? I did, however, go for an exploratory walk the other evening and actually stopped traffic near my apartment. Granted, I was waiting to cross at a crosswalk, but there was no light. Some guy was nice enough to stop and about 15 other cars had to follow suit. It was quite touching! Thanks to that guy for being so polite.

-Riding around in the Jaguars van (Jaguars is a strip club in El Paso) is pretty fun. So is drinking Dom Perignon. And no, I am not moonlighting as a stripper... that would be scary.

-I had a Novocaine shot (actually two sets of shots) about four hours ago and my lip and chin are still numb.